June 24, 2002 (Updated April 15, 2006)

This month's article talks about how NOT to promote yourself via e-mail and touches on a topic near and dear to my heart: Virus Hoaxes. You see, if you want to look like you are Internet savvy, you really want to avoid forwarding fake virus messages to your clients as it doesn't do much for your on-line image. When I was a newbie (new to the 'net), I sent along my fair share but I can say that I've learned my lesson and now I try to help others avoid this common mistake.

I make my living from the Internet, so if I sound preachy, please forgive me. Fake virus messages are the modern version of peeing in a public pool and there is no reason to keep them in circulation. This article includes links to on-line virus resources for you to bookmark so if anyone sends you a virus warning, you can check to see if it's real before sending it to everyone you know. There's even some humour involved. Here's the view from my keyboard.

Virus hoaxes are a part of life on the Internet, but they cause real problems.

Bandwidth Issues

A recent virus hoax message that arrived in my mailbox was sent to 43 people (they didn't use the BCC function - see last month's article). If one-quarter of the people who received it sent it to 25 of their closest friends and relatives and the chain continued, a lot of people would have received that message, as follows:

(Note: just in case you think I'm bad at math, I've rounded down when multiplying by .25.)

Message sent to 43 people, 1/4send it to 25 people
43 x .25 x 25 = 268

Message sent to 268 people, 1/4 send it to 25 people
268 x .25 x 25 = 1675

Message sent to 1675 people, 1/4 send it to 25 people
1675 x .25 x 25 = 10,450

Message sent to 10,450 people, 1/4 send it to 25 people
10450 x .25 x 25 = 65,300

Message sent to 65,300 people, 1/4 send it to 25 people
65,300 x .25 x 25 = 408,125

Five generations of this message could have resulted in a total of 485,818 e-mail messages being sent. Consider how many people send these messages around the Internet every day. If you're wondering why it takes so long to see websites when you're surfing, this is part of the reason. Millions of junk e-mail messages clog the fibre-optic arteries of the Internet, taking up bandwidth, slowing down transmission and making the World Wide Web more like the World Wide Wait. Sending fake virus messages slows down the Internet for everyone.

Crying Wolf

A second problem that has been identified by the RCMP (RCMP stands for Royal Canadian Mounted Police, for my non-Canadian readers) is the "crying wolf" scenario. If people get hundreds of fake virus warnings, they will eventually start to ignore them. When a real virus message comes through, BLAMMO!!!

Protect Yourself!

To avoid the hassle of dealing with the problems a virus can cause, make the investment and purchase a software package like Norton Systemworks 2000. Not only does it include one of the industry-leading anti-virus software packages, but it also includes a variety of system maintenance tools that help your computer run better. This package costs $100 Cdn. in my area. This is a small price to pay to avoid the frustration and wasted time that a computer with a virus can bring into our lives.

<2006 Update > I personally suggest using the AVG Virus scanner. It's free for personal use and has proven to be effective in the year or so I've been using it.

Everyone should have anti-virus software if they're connected to the Internet and it should be updated constantly to keep you protected from new viruses being developed every day. Note to computer store owners - ideally, you should include anti-virus software as a standard part of every system you sell as a value-added service to your customers.

Resources

Here are some resources where you can find out everything you ever wanted to know (and more) about computer viruses, virus hoaxes and other urban myths.

Viruses

Symantec Anti-Virus Research Centre: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/

F-Secure Virus Info Centre: http://www.datafellows.com/virus-info/

Virus Hoax Information

Symantec Anti-Virus Research Centre: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/hoax.html

F-Secure Hoaxes & False Alerts: http://www.f-secure.com/virus-info/hoax/

Urban Legends

The AFU and Urban Legends Archive: http://www.urbanlegends.com/

About.com Urban Legends and Folklore Homepage: http://urbanlegends.about.com/

So, there you have it. Please don't send any virus messages you receive to anyone ever again without checking to make sure they are accurate. If you can't be bothered to check, don't waste other people's time.

Now, for your entertainment, here's a cute rebuttal I received when I was a newbie and sent out an e-mail about the virus hoax "goodtimes". I got the message, and I hope you do too. My thanks to the anonymous person who sent this to me.

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We have received the following warning from the internet:

Warning!!! If you receive an e-mail titled "WIN A HOLIDAY" DO NOT open it! It contains the Goodtimes virus, which will erase EVERYTHING on your hard drive! Send this letter out to as many people as you can...this is a new virus and not many people know about it!

This message was received this morning from IBM and the Army National Guard, please share it with anyone that might access the internet.

READ THIS:

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist. It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.

So there, take that Good Times.

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I hope you all enjoy your day.

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